Thursday, January 7, 2010

Choosing to feel

After we bought our car in November and started listening to NPR on the radio, I felt so freshly clued in to the world that for a while I entertained the romantic idea of becoming a news reporter.

But this week I've been listening with different ears, and all I hear is a line up of voices; voices of people who have trained themselves not to feel as they report on some really, really sad events and circumstances. The news about the Dow Jones, a recent shooting, the weather, and the results of a study on sexual assault towards juveniles in prison were delivered this afternoon with the same tone of voice: undulated to keep it audiologically interesting, but devoid of any type of emotion.

No thank you to that career option. I prefer to feel.

This morning the baby son of a friend of mine died, and the grief moved around in me all day until it found a way to be expressed. As I was driving alone at dusk a deer darted across the road in front of me, and I slammed on the brakes, and the groceries on the seat sailed across the car. I arrived at the house shaking - shaking out remnants of the day's fear, sorrow, grief, insecurity... and my husband held me.

Feelings are not always pleasant, but I am coming to terms with the vast range that moves through me. If the alternative is numbness and disconnection, I choose to feel.

7 comments:

Abbie said...

Beautiful, Metta. Just beautiful. I miss you!

melandpeter said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Love you!

Damaris said...

feeeling can be so hard. I don't know how to deal with so many emotions.

Headle said...

Metta, you've always been such a good example to me of living in the present and engaging yourself in life and love. This post is so touching.

I can't tell you how happy I am that you found a husband who treasures you and with whom you can be completely vulnerable. You two are a absolutely perfect for each other.

I hope you are feeling better!

Marie said...

Thank you for your post, Metta. It was beautiful. Instead of reporting, you can share with all of us who read your blog by writing. I'm so grateful you made it home safely. And I'm glad you had your sweet Marcos to come home too.

Tay said...

Metta, When we work to ease other's suffering, we are constantly reminded how ever-present and intimately connected suffering is to everyday life. Having strong spiritual faith, familial support and a good sense of humor allows us to carry on with the good work. I honor your efforts. Dad

Gibson Gang said...

Metts,

I'm there with you... After talking with you that day, I must have cried on and off a dozen times for Nat and baby Gavin. I was profoundly heartbroken - still am for her family. I choose to feel too... it makes life real.