Moonlighting

During both of my pregnancies, my thoughts about the future have always included a plan for carving out time for myself.  I just think it's that important.  When I was pregnant with Giovanna, I checked out the local La Leche League meetings, joined a Chapel Hill meet up, and started going to park days with my friends to get a feel for what socialization feels like within the scope of kiddo friendly time.  I ended up working half time throughout Gigi's first few years which provided a comfortable balance between being present for Gigi at home, and growing myself as a professional.

This time around, I made the decision not to work after Orion was born, and so I was challenged to think of something that would be a meaningful use of time, and help me maintain ties to the world outside of my home.  And so I pulled a bit of a crazy.  I signed up to be a volunteer coach for the Girls On The Run program at our local elementary school, and I am coming up on my 3rd week of coaching.  I am sooo thankful for our two moms who have made it possible for me to do this in the afternoons!

Girls On The Run is a 12-week after school program for 8-12 year old girls, and although we work towards preparing the girls to run a 5K at the end of the 12 weeks, there is a very important educational component to the program.  We meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school, and along with warm ups and work outs, the other coaches and I teach one topic each day that is focused on empowering the girls to live intentional, positive and happy lives. For example, one of last week's topics was positive vs. negative self-talk, and in the future we will be covering topics such as media messages, living with gratitude, bullying, expressing emotions in a healthy way, body image, etc.  As a volunteer coach, I have been impressed with how well-greased this machine is - each of us coaches bring something unique to the group, but the curriculum is well established and extremely easy to follow.  So far, I have been nothing but happy with the great group of girls we work with, and the challenge of engaging them in conversations that may give them the power to live intentionally through the challenging years they will face in Middle School.

And although I hope the girls benefit from this program, I am certain that I am the one getting the most out of this volunteer opportunity.  Even on days when I am exhausted, the act of tucking Gigi in for her nap, tanking up the baby and putting him down, and then taking off to coach and mentor these girls feels like I am moonlighting as a superhero.

And I sure love that feeling.

Wrapping up the Job

The week before I resigned, my work hosted a really nice baby shower for me and baby boy.  Of course my family came and Gigi was more than happy to show her ballet moves and sing for anyone who was interested.  Since secretly I am extremely embarrassed by parties that are about me (it may be the only time I truly feel shy), I was happy to have her there pulling in some of the attention.

I really enjoyed having my family there, including Marcos.  After the party they had nothing but kind things to say about the people I work with, and it confirmed to me how blessed I have been to work in a place with such generous, kind and loving people.  Being part of this group of co-workers, and part of my family and our church family, and our extended circle of friends, makes me feel really confident that I am bringing my child into a beautiful world of good people.  

With Sharon, my boss, Anna, one of our undergraduate assistants, and the killer Whole Foods chocolate raspberry cake.  Sharon is the Director of Recruitment, Admissions and Financial Aid at the UNC School of Social Work, and I have nothing but endless respect and admiration for her.  She is lovely both as a friend and as a professional.  I worked with her my first year as a graduate student, and a year after I graduated she called to ask if I would come in for her while she was out on maternity leave.

And now it's my turn to rotate out for a chapter.

On October 16th I went to work, and after a lunch with my work team, and farewells, I took a deep breath and made my way out of the building for the last time as an employee.  It's been about two weeks since I was at work, and honestly, I have been so busy with seasonal and holiday activities that I haven't missed it much.  But part of it is because I know that any day I can walk into the building and I know where to find my friends.  They are near by, and I look forward to taking little boy to meet them sometime in the next few weeks!

Resigning

Yesterday I sent in my official letter of resignation, so I think it is really happening: Effective October 16, 2012 my title will go from Visiting Clinical Instructor at the University of North Carolina School of Social Work to Stay at Home Mom.  Wow!

There are definitely things I will miss about working.  The paycheck comes most quickly to mind, but the more fulfilling things at work are definitely my friendships with my office team and the faculty at the School of Social Work, my interactions with the Student Ambassadors in the program I coordinate, and even though it can be exasperating at times, I like being the first contact from the School of Social Work for most prospective students.  Working on the recruitment end allows me a small part in creating the highest quality of program possible, and it's inspiring to work with young people who are 100% all about creating change in their world.

However, as my body is growing and requiring more down time, and as Giovanna's education becomes more demanding (first days of coop preschool and ballet class are this week!), sometimes it feels like October 16th can't come soon enough.  I have to admit, the idea of not having to get up for work sounds really good a lot of mornings when that alarm goes off.  I really enjoy my job, but my jobs at home are starting to require more of me, and this timing feels really good for a transition.  In about seven weeks (!) I will be outnumbered by my children, and I feel really good about taking this chapter for them.  For now, this is definitely the right thing for us!

Recruiting

For graduate schools, fall is a heavy recruiting season. In the past week I've been to three different recruiting events, and for two of them I was on my own, driving out of town to represent the UNC School of Social Work. I had to learn how to present our usual 1.5 hour long informational slide show in 20 minutes, without slides, and I had to learn how to keep smiling and talking even when my legs were tired and my voice was sore.


At the Idealist fair that we hosted yesterday, we had representatives from schools like NYU, American University, Brandeis, Columbia, Duke, Harvard, Georgetown, Rutgers, Texas A&M, Washington U in Saint Louis and Vanderbilt, as well as some international Universities in the UK and in Italy. As a public University we don't have the funding to travel nation-wide to attend recruiting events, so it was really a treat that our Idealist fair brought in reps from the top schools in the country. You should just see some of the swag (S.tuff W.e A.ll G.et) some of these schools have designed for recruiting tools. Globe-shaped containers with breath mints, fortune cookies with personalized messages inside ("Get off to a good start at Boston University!"), little swatches of biodegradable paper with flower seeds embedded in the fibers, which are ready to be thrown into the ground and watered... fascinating.


But my favorite part of the work week was driving for the recruiting events. Having a few hours this week to myself, to think and plan, or listen to music, was an exquisite gift. It's rare nowadays to be alone.

Reader's Sampler

Some women desire other women's flawless skin, or long legs, or skinny waistline. I think my main desire is to have the brain of a well-read woman. In my alternate universe, where I am independently wealthy and I have loads of free time, I am going to be an avid reader, and it's going to make me smart. I actually enjoy reading in a big way, but when given the option, usually I'm out the door spending time with friends, and the books are still sitting on the shelves.

But here are a few short readings I've come across in the past few weeks that I have enjoyed, in no particular order.

My friend Angela sent me this great blog post about women and stereotypes, and how unhelpful they can be when women should (if we want to be seen as equal and capable contributors to society) be esteemed as valuable, level-headed and rational, instead of crazy, emotional and dramatic.

I have also read this New York Times article, about a Waldorf School in Silicon Valley, and how parents whose livelihood is based 100% in technology are opting to send their kids to the Waldorf School. The Waldorf School typically gets into computers and other gadgets late in the educational spectrum, and it was interesting to read about learning philosophies and why these ebay and google parents are opting to send their kids to "non-wired" schools. (Bonus: I grew up in a Waldorf School, so if you know me and have always wondered why I'm a little... peculiar... this may be an "ah-haaa" moment for you :-)

And how about that Diane Rehm show that I listened to ages ago, but that keeps coming to mind because it left such an impression on me? It's called "Vaccines and Autism: A Story of Medicine, Science and Fear", and it is an excellent show, with excellent guests. There was one chapter of my life when I was like, "vaccinations are such a controversial issue, so I won't put out my opinion because I don't want to appear judgmental" but I'm coming into my own as an advocate for public health so I think I'm over that now. If people's private decisions only affected themselves I wouldn't care less, but this is becoming a public health issue and I think we all need some reminders that the Vaccination and Autism link was researched, written and published based on untruth. I find it rather devastating and unnecessary that lately, children have been dying from diseases I thought were eradicated in the middle ages. Listening to this show is a great way to expand your knowledge while cleaning your house.

Last night as I was cleaning the kitchen I re-listened to this talk from General Conference about using our time wisely, and I liked it all over again. Most church speakers tell stories to illustrate their points, and I noticed that this talk lacks some of that personal note, but it's just so full of truth! It inspired me to get going on a few important projects.

And finally, in my Book Club this month we were assigned a few spooky short-stories, and one of my favorites so far has been The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving. Have you ever read the original story? It gets spooky towards the end, but the conclusion is great! Sometimes you just need to settle down with the classics...

So, that is just a sampler of a few things I've come across lately that I have enjoyed reading. We're taking a trip for the Christmas holiday and I'm actually thinking about a few books to stuff into my luggage. Any suggestions?

Applications out my ears

My work life has grown increasingly stressful over the past few weeks. After plowing through a busy fall season of recruitment at the UNC School of Social Work while my boss Sharon was out on maternity leave, we had a brief moment to catch our breath over the holidays when Sharon returned to work, and then we launched together into the admissions season.

This year our program received 500+ applications, and with the introduction of a University-wide PeopleSoft computer system that was supposed to ease the application process (but has actually made the process a living nightmare), push has definitely come to shove. In mid-January I approached Sharon and basically said, look, we're never going to get through this alive with the hours I'm currently working, so if you can find money in the budget, Marcos has agreed to be flexible so that I can work 30 hours a week instead of 20 for the next two months.

And let me tell you, the change to 30 hours has been really difficult! My in-office days have lengthened quite a bit, and although I was able to negotiate continuing to stay home two days a week with Gigi, I have to work quite a few hours from home on those days. I know that most grown ups work 40 hours a week, so I'm not complaining, but with my responsibility to be with Gigi a few days, and working 30 hours, I often feel very stretched out. I thrive with the challenge, and I love being busy, but there were a few days this past week when I was ready to pull my hair out. Luckily, there are just a few more weeks of powering through the bulk of admissions before we have made all of our decisions, and I can go back down to 20 hours.

My boss Sharon and me at my graduation in 2009

So to capture the work that fills my brain as of late, I've decided to list some things that I have learned from the admissions process. The vast majority of our applicants are very inspiring, but a few of them have reminded me of a few important things:

1. If you are applying to graduate programs, make sure you consistently use the proper name of the school you are applying to. Writing a letter that starts with, "Dear UNC Admissions Committee: The reason I want to attend Columbia is..." does not impress anyone.
2. If you are applying to graduate programs, don't have the family for whom you babysat write one of your letters of recommendation. Just don't.
3. If your life has been eternally altered by a quote you once heard and you have to write about it in your personal statement, please make it a good one. You are one of a billion people whose pivotal moment in life occurred when you came across a quote, so for the love, make it a good one!
4. If you are applying for graduate school and you feel like a certain program is taking forever to get back to you with their admissions decision (and you don't know that they are being held up by a ferocious new computer system), don't send snotty emails to the assistant to the Director of Admissions. That assistant may be rating your application.
   

{Spring} is when babies are born

If you take anything home with you from this post, it should be this: don't drink the water at my work unless you want to get pregnant. I'm not sure how this applies to men because we don't have any men in our office suite, but at this point, nothing would surprise me.

Sharon and I both have babies under one year old, Sarah is expecting her first in March, Lisa has two very young ones, and Rachel just had her third two weeks ago. That leaves two coworkers who are not currently birthing or raising very young children. Can I just say hooray for working at the most family-friendly place ever? I am trying to remember to be grateful every single day to be able to work in an environment where we work hard together to see the success of the UNC School of Social Work, but realize ultimately that our families come first. Always.


So, what I've been doing in some of my spare time (ha!) is making diaper cakes and a baby blanket. The diaper cake was for Rachel, who already has two young children and all of the necessary baby accoutrement. So I kept it simple and recycled some crumpled tissue paper to give it a festive feel. The blanket was for Sarah, who has been waiting for her upcoming little boy for many, many years. Sarah has a collection of hedge hogs (don't announce that you like a certain animal unless you are prepared for an overload), so of course when my friend Delia was letting me look through her fabrics and I saw this soft flannel with hedge hogs walking across it, I had to run with the theme.


In the past month I have also co-hosted a third baby shower with my friend Becca, but of course we forgot to take photos! Our friend Kristine is expecting her first boy, and we wanted to get her outfitted with a bit of blue.

Spring really is a beautiful season of birth and an awakening earth. Coming up soon we will be celebrating the first year of our own little spring baby! Yay!

Social Work Illuminated

Within the past week or two, my work life has calmed down quite considerably. With the deadline for graduate school application approaching in January, many of the most competitive applicants to our Social Work program have already done the visiting and research necessary for their decision to apply to UNC, and so I finally have a chance to breathe. During a down moment last week, I finally took a few minutes to read an email that has been sitting in my inbox unread for weeks. It was from a young Chinese woman who is studying at the University in Beijing, and who has spent much of her time over the last few years traveling to distant rural towns to teach underprivileged children without any opportunities for quality education. The way she wrote touched me, and I suppose I just want to share what she said because she so clearly sums up how I feel about social work.

"Doing voluntary teaching makes me realize how to connect with those around us, especially the 'invisible' people. The biggest sin is to be blind to other’s problems and pains. Not seeing them means denying their existence. Past years have seen rapid development of China. Beijing, as its capital city, has already enjoyed great material wealth. Meanwhile, the problems accompanying modernization, such as the inequity in the distribution of resources, the degradation of spiritual life, the corruption of values, the loss of innocence and the disappearance of community, begin to act as the forces of social stagnation. People always hold an attitude that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of men willing to help the people in need and make the world a better place. Social work is still a fresh field in my country and people have not realized the vital role it plays in the development of a society. I really desire the chance of having further education in this field and I will take advantage of what I learn from the program to contribute to a more civil and compassionate society".

It is humbling to be one of the gatekeepers to a graduate school program that attracts people who have courageously and aggressively taken on poverty and inequality in their spheres of influence, and who are, very truly, a million times better and more qualified than I am to be a part of this field.

Motherhood and Working

I have been thinking that it's about time to debrief a little on how this transition to motherhood has been working out for me. It's something that I think about a lot, and I think it deserves a post.


Before Marcos and I were married, I made it clear that I was the type of woman who would very likely not remain at home full-time during the decades that we would raise our children. In all honesty, I don't consider myself a particularly ambitious person as far as fame and fortune goes, but I always felt that I would be in the best place as a woman, wife and mother if I had something in my life that was all my own.


When we discovered that we were expecting Gigi, I had recently finished my Masters degree and I was as yet without a job, so I prepared myself mentally for the idea that I would likely be at home with a baby for at least a year, which coincided with my breastfeeding goal. I kind of liked the idea of being with Gigi for a year, but that meant real preparation: knowing that I am a social creature and that even happy people can become depressed when they are isolated with a baby and have little contact with supportive and loving people, I began to broaden my network of support. For years I have worked on building friendships in my church and graduate school communities, but it was time to up the ante: my friend Aline connected me with an awesome local playgroup in Chapel Hill, my friend Angela started a fun mommies talk group for all of her friends and coworkers who were pregnant, and I attended a few La Leche League meetings to check out the network there. Sure, all of my initial aims were in the same direction - the world of motherhood - but I was going to get educated, and darn it, I was going to have fun and build ties in the process.


When Gigi came along it was time to disconnect from the world for a few weeks as we loved our new little being. Those first few weeks we were so busy adjusting to life with a little baby and enjoying our friends and family that we lacked nothing from the outside world. Slowly, life became more routine and I started to pick up my projects again during the small holes of time Gigi's naps allowed me, and our social life continued to keep us busy. We learned how to plan in extra time to get Gigi packed and ready to go, and she just joined our small family on our visits to friend's homes, our movie nights out, and our midnight grocery store runs. She was a natural at being a Prieto: always up for a spontaneous social event or a late night outing.


Then within a month or two after Gigi was born, my boss from graduate school contacted me with a proposition: she was going out on maternity leave starting in August, and wanted to know if I was up for taking her responsibilities half time for the better part of a year. After much praying and thinking and deliberating, I could not shake my impression to just GO for it! A demanding but exciting job, great coworkers and the perfect set-up of having Marcos home with Gigi on the days that I worked made for a sure win. Even though Gigi was only about four months old when I started working, between Marcos' heaps of love and support and a trusty breastpump, what started off as a crazy idea has become a fairly successful venture.


And so here I am two months into my half-time job, happier than ever to be Gigi's mom and to be a working mom. I have had many people ask how work is going, and I have nothing bad to say about it. At first I felt overwhelmed with the sheer amount of things that needed to get done, but as with all things in life, day by day things are accomplished, deadlines come and go, and life moves on. Working has, very importantly, given me a chance to prove to myself that I am a productive worker with important contributions, which has allowed me to discard some baggage that I had coming into this job. Additionally, I have landed myself into an office full of women who have created a thriving office culture of birthday parties full of gifts and food, Christmas luncheons, and a lot of support, laughter, and kindness. Sure, being a working mom means that something inevitably will suffer, but since the main suffering has been the dishes piling up in the sink, it's a price we are willing to pay. If working meant tedious tasks, awful hours and having Gigi in daycare I would not have taken this job, but I knew that it would be a good situation, and so far it has exceeded my expectations.


And talk about expectations being exceeded: have you seen this little girl lately? I know that my brain is wired in a special way to love my Gigi more than life itself, but I have a hard time containing my happiness about being her mom. Which is good, because the most important work I will ever do will be within the walls of my own home. Hands down.

Taking the Baton

This is Sharon, my gorgeous boss, and the Director of Recruitment, Admissions and Financial Aid at the UNC School of Social Work. Do you see those gifts around her? Just another reminder that our three weeks of job overlap have come to a close, and that from next Monday on, she will be off to the wonderful world of motherhood while I cry and wave good-bye and cry some more.


Well, okay, not really. It's more like a high-five as we trade places: she goes out for maternity leave and I return from mine to take on some of her responsibilities part time for the year. And I can honestly say that so far, I love her job. I have had many people ask how work is going, and I can't think of any other work I'd rather be doing. The fall is very recruitment heavy (in preparation for the application deadline at the beginning of next year), so much of my work so far is interacting with prospective students, participating in recruitment activities and events, and working on strategic new advertising techniques. Come January, we will be in the throws of admissions, with rating applications, sending out acceptance letters, and working on the financial aid packages and scholarships we can offer particularly competitive students.

Some of my favorite things so far about working where I work are the extremely nice people I work with, and the fact that a lot of my job is interacting with interesting people who are passionate about making some change in the world. Whether we have that ambition or not, I think there has got to be something said for people who take up the formidable task of tackling social problems.

Some of the hardest things about working have been leaving Gigi, having her refuse to eat from the bottle until just this week (yes, she finally got it!), and trying to funnel down a full-time job into my half-time hours. I am trying very hard not to set a precedent of working more than 20 hours a week, because I want to be a mama bear and protect my time with Giovanna.

And finally, the most unexpected thing I have had to learn about working half time is that my days off are like gold: whether I choose to do fifty errands and visit people and play all day, or whether I choose to kick up my feet and watch movies or nap all day, I want to make a conscientious choice as to how I use those hours. When a lazy day rolls by and I haven't been mindful about my freedom, the evening comes and with it the feeling like I've just let something good slip through my fingers...

First Day of Work

Today was my first day of work, and I have a really good feeling about this... When I showed up this morning at the School of Social Work my boss Sharon was also wearing a green shirt and a knee-length black skirt, and I took it as a very good omen.


Sharon and I met with a prospective student in the morning, and I was able to sit back and try to open my brain so that Sharon's information could pour in. It was exciting to be part of the recruiting process for the UNC School of Social Work, but also humbling because frankly, I have a lot to learn. Being on the student side of the program has given me experience as a recipient of the education, but being on the other side of the table requires a lot of context that I don't yet have. Luckily, Sharon was wise enough to give us a few weeks of overlapping time, so that I will be competent when it is time for her to go into Mommy mode. I find myself hoping to bits that her amazing little boy finds womb dwelling very comfortable.


Oh, and the rapture of getting to see Gigi at lunchtime! When I got to hold her and snuggle her and rub my face on her soft cheeks it was the most amazing feeling... I was busy enough at work that I didn't sit around experiencing baby withdrawals, but the reunion must have triggered the release of copious amounts of dopamine in that brain of mine, because I was so elated to see her again. The schedule worked out very nicely today, and when Marcos picked me up for a break we were able to eat together to celebrate my new job, and I was able to feed Giovanna at home. Miraculously, even though I had brought the breastpump to work disguised in my little lunch cooler, I didn't have to use it at all. I highly doubt that every day will be so lucky, but I was grateful to have the transition roll in so smoothly...

T minus one week...

In one week from today, I am going to start working at the UNC School of Social Work. Some part of my brain keeps telling me "Do a ton of fun things this week, because next Monday your life is going to end", but when I back up a bit mentally, I am confident that after the initial adjustment to being in a professional setting and away from my little love, this is going to be just the thing for me. I love my life as it is: happy, social, full of wonderful friends, a beautiful family and steady personal growth, but I think that I can handle 20 hours of professional development a week and that it will have important implications for me down the road.


Interestingly, one of my greatest struggles concerning this whole "work" thing has not been about being a good mom - because I think many moms are made better by having a bit of their own thing besides their children - but my greatest struggle has been questioning whether or not I will be able to do this job well. During my graduate school education I was an intern in two separate social work settings, and one of my supervisors was total poison for my confidence. Her feedback to me was so measured and staid that it always left me wondering how she really felt about me and my work, and I find it so interesting that her influence is reaching me even now. I even find myself wondering if I will be organized enough to do this job well: organized? Get real, Voice of Doubt... As a child I used to rearrange the canned food in my Grandmother's pantry in neat rows according to their categories: meats, soups, veggies, fruits... and this was what I did for fun. I can be the epitome of organized! WOMAN, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

There, I feel better already.

So, just a few things left to do before next Monday. One of the funner tasks is to watch "The Devil Wears Prada" again, just to practice the feeling of a young woman with horrendous fashion sense moving into a high powered work setting where looks matter. Okay, so social work and the fashion industry may not be the same thing, but my wardrobe is a far cry from "business casual" and I am kind of excited to have a reason to dress up. Did I tell you that I will be stepping in for the Director of Recruitment, Admissions and Financial Aid for the Masters of Social Work program ranked #8 in the nation? Yep. Just a wee bit excited...

Hie ho, hie ho

It's off to work I go...

For years I have wondered how I would do with being a mom. I never questioned how in love with my children I would be - I fall in love with everyone else's children so couldn't imagine there being much of an issue in that department - but I always wondered if being home full-time was the thing for me. I love to be busy, I love to interact with my community and learn things, and I always figured that for my personality, being the best mom meant having some of my own things over on the sidelines, one of which would very likely be at least part-time work.


Since Gigi has come along, I have fallen hard for this little girl. Although I have kept up some of my sidelines activities, I have also been surprisingly satisfied to be a full-time mom, even if there are days that I don't quite make it to the shower or never take a step outside our apartment. I figured that for the next year or so I would simply be Gigi's mom, and enjoy a full year of breast-feeding and being front and center for all of her developments and growing.


And then it happened: right after I started feeling completely in my element, a job offer came along, and I took it! Out of the blue, my boss from my first year of grad school (who is the Director of Recruitment, Admissions and Financial Aid at the UNC School of Social Work) contacted me with the proposition of taking on some of her responsibilities while she is out on maternity leave this coming academic year. After a weekend of a lot of thought and prayers, I had the impression that this was something that I should go for, and so starting the second week of August, I will be working at the UNC School of Social Work. I have signed on for 20 hours a week, and so munchkin will be spending a few more hours with Daddy. With Marcos working primarily from home, the decision for me to take this job was loads less frightening.


But oh, the mixed feelings! I feel... excited for this opportunity to rub shoulders with great people in the School of Social Work and potential grad students from all over the country, I feel a bit intimidated by the amount of work, the importance of the work and the massive shoes I have to fill, I feel sad that Marcos may have the chance to see Gigi's accomplishments before I do, I feel scared that I will not do a good job in this position, I feel happy about the things we will be able to do with an extra income, I feel flattered that I was sought out for a great job in this economy, and I feel grateful that I am able to have such an ideal set-up: half-time work for just a year, great pay, Gigi gets to stay with Marcos, and I get all of the accumulative experience of a really cool job.

So why do I already miss Gigi?

Transitioning the Blog

Truth be told, I'm not sure why I ever started a blog, and why I started it when I did. It probably had something to do with Metta the graduate student desperately needing a creative writing outlet, as a break from the highly formulated papers I was forced to write for my course work. But that's just my guess. I really can't remember.

But now I find myself at a crossroads. It is the crossroads of a graduate student gone mom, trying to figure out how to transition into the mom phase of life without making her blog into an immediate display of baby photos and milestones and firsts and everything adorable that comes along with being a parent. There will be plenty of time for that later (or sooner, as the case may be), but I know that at least one of my readers is requiring a slower progression into the world of mommy blogging. That one reader is definitely me.

Sometimes I just don't know if I can do it.

When I started out writing this blog, I found it challenging not only to find a blogging "voice" (this is an ongoing process), but also to think of things that I found interesting and that I thought other people might care about. I know that I failed on numerous occasions in the "other people might care about" area, but there was also a point at which I decided that in the eternal scheme of things, these posts are really a record of my life, and that I owed it to myself to write what I cared about. So I wrote long entries about the sad state of education in America, and tips for enhancing marriages, and my surprise encounters with living breathing racism in the south, and my experiences teaching parenting, and perspectives on the War in Iraq. As a student that is where I was. And I was really happy there.

And I'm happy here too, on the cusp of being a full-fledged mom, but whoa horsey! Transitioning my blog to be primarily about a baby (and let's not even mention transitioning my LIFE to be primarily about a baby...) is a real jump.

So bear with me... you may be along for a bumpy ride.

Looking to avoid divorce? Five things to keep in mind...

Every Sunday, my friend Chelsea makes a sheet of announcements for the Relief Society (the women's organization) at church. The back of the paper often features recipes, or life stories about certain women in our group, but today's was called "The top five ways to avoid meeting with me in my office". It was written by a sister in our Relief Society group who is a divorce attorney, and I thought that it was interesting enough that I asked her permission to share it with you here.


This is written as advice from one woman with years and years of experience as an attorney to other women, but if you are a man, I have confidence that you can make the adjustments in the semantics to make it work for you. Without further ado, here are her Top Five ways to avoid meeting with a divorce lawyer.

1. Do not spend more than you earn. Remember, all that stuff you charge will be valued at yard sale value when you divorce, nobody will want it, and you will wonder why it was so important to have it rather than a happier life and marriage.
2. Do not join a woman's group, book club, life coach team, or exercise group with people who are looking to "find themselves" when to find themselves means to put down or blame others (namely, their husbands).
3. Do not develop a closer friendship with anyone else than you have with your spouse, and do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite sex.
4. Do not continually choose what you perceive to be your children's needs over your spouse, because if you do, you may lose your spouse. Parenting is done together... when done separately, it is usually done in separate households.
5. Do not lie to your spouse... even in jest, and even sarcastically. Don't put your spouse down in a joking manner... believe me, jokes are the basis of many legal claims for separation and divorce. We call them "indignities which make the life of one spouse intolerable and their life unbearable".
   

Her ideas gave me some things to think about, and I hope it was meaningful for you too. Thanks Leigh Ann!

"Dear Judy, thank you for rejecting me..."

I just received a rejection email from an agency called Clean Energy Durham. I had applied for their Transit Specialist position, and okay, so maybe it wasn't the job I really really wanted, but at least it sounded interesting.

One of the job requirements was: "Must be able to ride a bike".


But calm down, I haven't even shared the best part: Judy, the Executive Director of the agency, actually emailed me with a rejection letter. I felt so good inside. I immediately wrote her back, thanking her for sending me a rejection letter. Maybe you think I'm being facetious, but I'm not. At this time, in this economic climate, sending electronic applications out into the world feels somewhat like throwing frisbees off a cliff in the middle of a very dark night. Who knows if anyone reads them? Who knows if they are virtually shredded before they make it to anyone's inbox? At least being rejected confirms that this job search may not be just a big fat waste of time. And... at least someone else has a new job.

While the paint dries...

I have a few moments while the paint dries from my recent project, and I thought I'd sit down and write a little update. I have been more MIA than usual these past few weeks, and it has caused me to think about my relationship with this blog, and have a little DTR (define the relationship) session. I think that when I was overly busy, I needed an outlet for my thoughts, creativity and life in a way that I don't require as much now. I'm okay with that though. After experiencing some writer's crisis at the time when I first started blogging, I had to come to terms with the fact that if I pressured myself to keep up with the blog even when I didn't feel inspired to write, it would lose its capacity to serve me and my friends and family in a informal, informational, fun, therapeutic way.

Hence, my absence.


So, what is going on? Fun, and friends, projects and I'm keeping up the job search despite the fact that it is becoming increasingly discouraging. Sometimes I have to remind myself how blessed I am that I have a spouse with an income and that I graduated with a (relatively) small amount of debt. Some days I have no energy whatsover to browse the limited number of jobs in the area, and some days I'm determined. And then comes the realization that despite how many jobs I apply for, the entire thing is somewhat out of my control. I mean, what can I do? Apply for the same job multiple times with increasingly better cover letters?

I already tried that. It doesn't work.

How to play with children and other essential skills

A few days ago, a friend who had read my recent time-out post asked about the play skills that I taught to parents, and I thought I should share some tips for making quality time with kiddos. Specifically, my friend feels like she is falling into a generational pattern in her family of raising kiddos in a quality way, but without making time for one-on-one play time with her little ones. If you are in her position, or feel pretty confident but are thinking about new methods of how to interact with little ones, here are some ideas that may help. They are taken from Parent Child Interaction Therapy, which I used this past year with my clients.


Basically, what I taught parents to do was to have five minutes of "special playtime" with their kiddos each day. Special playtime is a time for parents to follow the lead of their children, who are the experts in playing. As an adult, avoiding questions, commands and criticisms are an important part of Special Playtime, because those types of communication either take lead of the play away from kiddos or introduce the potential for arguments. Five minutes may not seem long enough to make a difference, but at first it can be really exhausting (especially cutting out questions!). But hold out! Five minutes is enough to make some real headway when you are going through a rough spot, or are looking for a way to "fill up" kiddo's attention buckets in a positive way so that they don't feel the need to act out as often. When special playtime comes regularly, kiddos know that it is time set apart for them specifically, and it is likely that they will start asking for it! The five basic tools for Special Playtime (according to PCIT) are as follows:

• P = labeled praise
• R = reflections
• I = imitation
• D = behavior descriptions
• E = enthusiasm
  

Seems easy, right? I've talked about labeled praises before, but it basically means that as you play with your child, look for things you like about their behavior, and label the behavior in specific terms. For example, "Sam, I really appreciate when you use your indoor voice!" is a labeled praise, and "Great job!" is unlabeled. Although the positive connection is valuable in each case, labeled praises let your child know what behavior they need to repeat in order to get that same positive reaction from you in the future.

"R" is for reflections. This one sometimes trips parents up, because at first it can feel unnatural, or parrot-like. Reflections are basically a restatement of any sort of verbal expression that kiddos make. It can be simple as your kiddo saying, "I am drawing with the yellow crayon" and you responding, "You are drawing with the yellow crayon", or you can embellish the statement a bit to be something like, "Wow! I can see you drawing there!". For kiddos who are learning how to talk, this is an incredible tool. Having a big person repeat what little ones say can give them the approval to keep talking, and I've seen how much this encourages further language exploration. As a sidenote, reflections should all be positive, which means that even if the statement is not correct, try to avoid making negative corrections such as, "No! That's not an apple, that's a pomegranate!".

"I" is for imitation. Imitation is one of the simpler tools, and is exactly what it sounds like. During special playtime, imitation is doing what the child does, and is basically a reminder for parents to stay involved in the kiddo's play. For example, if your kiddo is playing with blocks, join him or her and add to the building or start your own structure. Caveat: I have to say this because I know you artistic parents out there... your imitation of your child's play should not be cooler than theirs! For example, if your kiddo is drawing a house with two lines for walls and a squiggly window, don't bust out your charcoals and sketch a McMansion! Believe me, soon the attention will be on your great drawing. Special playtime is really a time for kiddos to lead the play.

"D" is for behavior Description. Also straight-forward, behavior description is using your language to narrate what your kiddo is doing. I like to think of this tool as being like a sports announcer you hear on the radio, who pays attention to what is going on and simply describes what he sees. For example, "You're putting the donuts on your plate" is a totally acceptable behavior description. It may seem simple, but if you are watching your kiddos and enthusiastically describing what they are doing, it makes them feel really, really good and very much the center of important attention. Bonus: it is also a great way to add vocabulary to your kiddo's repertoire. What to be aware of? I have seen parents hesitate from using behavior descriptions because they are unsure of what to say, or what exactly their kiddo is doing. Don't worry, kiddos will correct you if you give an inaccurate description! And that will just be an opportunity to say, "Oh, *restate corrected description*! Thanks for teaching me!". Finito.

And finally, "E" is for enthusiasm. Any of the above skills are wasted without enthusiasm. It comes naturally for some, and not for others, but practicing special playtime without other adults around may be the best setting for you to start playing if you are self-conscious!

So, that's Special Playtime. Generally, I've encouraged parents to use two rules during special playtime, which are to 1) stay in the area, and 2) play gently with the toys. After the rules are introduced, have fun! If kiddos become destructive or mean during Special Playtime, just label their behavior as the reason that you have to quit playing, pack up the toys, and ignore their protests. Last time I posted with parenting tips I had some great responses, so if you have any questions or comments, please write in the comment box and I'll get back to you!

P.S. Tools like Special Playtime are best if not used for power wielding. For example, if kids are acting out, try to avoid using Special Playtime as the privilege they will lose if they don't shape up. Often when kids are acting out they may just need a little one-on-one time, so taking that away may inadvertently undermine what you want to accomplish. Good luck!

Job Hunting

I am currently looking for a (good, engaging, well-paying, interesting) job.

My friend Katherine's sister told her that she applied to nearly 100 jobs before she found the one that was perfect for her. 100 jobs (100!). Needless to say, we have both decided to crack down a little more with this job hunting business.

Luckily the hunt isn't entirely without satisfaction. I have discovered that secretly, it is highly satisfying to write the "MSW" behind my name. My cover letters look something like this:

"Dear so-and-so,

I am awesome. Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Oh, and did I mention that I was awesome? Blah, blah, blah...

Sincerely,

Metta Prieto, MSW"

*Sigh* I just love that ending.

"Yeah but"s

For the past year and a half or so, I have been a student ambassador for the UNC School of Social Work. Shortly put: when prospective students come to campus to check out the graduate program I might have had lunch with them, or if they've come for our monthly info sessions I might have sat on the student panel and answered their questions.

When I talk one-on-one with Master of Social Work (MSW) candidates, something that has caught my attention over and over again is the way prospective students answer my question, "What got you interested in social work?". The majority of MSW candidates were either working at a job or volunteering somewhere and ran into some type of systemic "wall" of sorts, and realized that in order to make change they would need to further their education.

And then comes their story. I listen patiently while the passion, the completely raw passion for such-and-such issue comes spilling out, along with a few ideas about how the situation should be improved. After a few years of talking about those very problems in the intimacy of our small classrooms, I've been exposed to the complexities surrounding a few social issues, and rarely is anything as cut and dry as I once thought. Surprisingly, I feel almost less sure of my ideas after my education than I did before I entered graduate school, simply because I have new information to throw into the mix. If problems were really as simple to remedy as we think they are, there would probably be worldwide peace, puppy dogs, and chocolate bars for all of humanity.

(Which reminds me: I really don't envy Barack's job).

I appreciate these new student's decisiveness and vigor, and so, during those brief encounters with prospective students, I rarely vocalize the "yeah but"s that come to my mind as they plummet down their single path of thought.

Goodness knows they will need that passion to get them through grad school...